Golden dung



Did you know that you can make thousands of dollars by selling your poop? Well, now you do. Apparently, good poop is hard to find these days, and some medical communities are willing to pay top dollar for a small fecal deposit. Some estimates show that you could make up to $50 per poop donation. That there is some golden dung, y’all.

A lot of people have digestive problems, and one of the cures for a variety of maladies just happens to be found in the advent of fecal transplants. The simplistic explanation is that they take someone’s healthy poop and insert it into the colon of the person who has unhealthy poop. Once this is done, the bacteria from the good poop colonizes its new environment and subdues the harmful bacteria. Yep, the good bacteria takes over the bad bacteria and makes everything right as rain. However, the real trick is actually finding someone with the good … stuff. Most people don’t have healthy fecal deposits because their diet is crap, and their digestive systems have been nuked by antibiotics. Ergo, those who have taken care of themselves suddenly become the cash cows for this rare commodity.

Sometimes, I joke with one of my brothers about taking on this new business venture as a way to make some extra cash, but, right now, making extra money is no joke. Our economy is sick and suffering, and people are getting desperate. There are people in our country and all over the world who are wondering whether they will be able to make it into the new year. It’s in these sobering times that I think we need to be more open to new ideas and creative options … even if they sound weird.

If I were to go around asking people on the street about whether they thought fecal transplants were viable options for medical or financial gain, they would probably laugh at me. Yet, it is absolutely true. Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction, but, then again, sometimes fiction gives birth to truth. Many of our most powerful modern inventions began as science fiction dreams in the minds of those brave enough to believe it was actually possible. Think about it. At some point, there was some wild person who nakedly put themselves out there and suggested that there was a golden cure to be had by taking poop from one person and putting it into another person. And then … there had to be volunteers. Someone had to be bold enough to be the first guinea pig for that operation, and someone had to be generous enough to drop a load of bacterial goodness. This is one of those laugh out loud moments because you know that must have sounded … insane.

So, let’s start thinking outside the box of our current fiscal predicament and navigate away from our antiquated medical orthodoxy. Perhaps, there is a golden future waiting for us just beyond the horizon of our own limited imaginations.

PAUL MICHAEL JONES is an artist who currently dabbles in music, photography and creative writing.

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