Fat Pastors




 

 

Have you ever noticed how many fat pastors there are? I used to be a fat pastor. Now, I’m just a fat person … trying to find my way back to the ever elusive Narnia of good health. Still, in my time as a minister, I noticed how prevalent the protruding potbelly was among those wearing holy cloth. The prayer of Jabez may have enlarged their territories, but potlucks were enlarging their waistlines as well.

In the Old Testament, the prophets of old spoke against spiritual leaders who stuffed their fat faces, while neglecting their roles as the shepherds of God’s people. Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Zechariah, and Malachi all fiercely rebuked the spiritual obesity and lethargy of priests, elders and leaders who had become so rotundly cozy and apathetic in their positions of power that they stopped calling out sin and chasing after wandering sheep. If a cop was too fat to chase a criminal down because he spent way too much time at the doughnut shop and not enough time in the gym, that would not only be a reason for shame but a reason for potential disqualification from his profession. Yet, for a pastor to lack both the spinal and testicular fortitude to defend God’s flock in times of spiritual danger, it is far beyond the realm of disqualification. In fact, it may very well be the sign of his own damnation. Ironically, what is lacking in the dimension of spiritual obesity mirrors quite fittingly the deficiencies contributing to physical obesity.

In the saga of my weight loss journey, I discovered that two key components in losing weight were the strengthening of my spine and the increasing of my testosterone levels. When your spinal column is aligned and properly supported by strong core muscles, your body communicates in a healthy way that aids in proper digestion and fat elimination. Now, you may want to go to your local chiropractor to get your spine realigned and then go to a masseuse to work out the finer details of what is irking your back and neck. Afterwards, the way to keep everything lined up is by maintaining healthy back and abdominal strength.

The easiest way that I found to do this was by purchasing an indoor chin-up bar. I would hang from the bar to help stretch and align my spine. Then, I would do chin-ups to strengthen my core muscles. If you can’t do chin-ups at first, don’t be afraid to use your legs or a resistance band for partial assistance until you can do them using only your arms.

As for a way to increase testosterone levels, I found that eating fish and other seafood was the easiest way to accomplish that. When your testosterone is at a healthy level, fat starts to fall off your body pretty quickly. In case you missed that particular lesson in biology and were wondering, women also produce testosterone in their bodies, just in a different way. And the seafood remedy works just as well for women as it does for men. In fact, when actors are trying to get trimmed up for the silver screen, they often rely heavily on seafood to do the trick.

Now, before you start quoting my article and lambasting local pastors, please exercise some empathy. Your pastor might have a torrid love affair with comfort food, but have you also noticed that most pastors are overworked, underpaid, overly criticized, under attack, worn out, dejected, rejected, and constantly wondering when they are going to be replaced? Pastors are like the high school football coaches of the spiritual world. Even when things are going well, there’s always a number of armchair quarterbacks lining up to share their two cents about what could be better. And when things are falling apart, it’s time to lay their heads on the chopping block. For those of you who have never experienced the joy of being a pastor or an elder and think it’s all smooth sailing and sipping on sweet tea, I encourage you to join the fun. Until you have walked a mile in their moccasins, you will never understand the dark demons they wrestle with.

PAUL MICHAEL JONES is an artist who currently dabbles in music, photography and creative writing.

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